Monday Morning Knee Trembler: Jayne County

Monday Morning Knee Trember: Bongwater

"The Power of Pussy" by Bongwater

The Manhattan Project Presents: This Day in Douchebaggery

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: Brighton Port Authority

Close your eyes and start dreaming

Master P sez:

Come out and celebrate democracy 2NITE @ DEATH BY AUDIO w/ Woods , MV & EE and the Golden Road, Spectre Folk (mem Magik Markers), & Hard Bop. We'll be showing live election returns on two video projectors, one hooked up the the 4 broadcast networks, and one hooked up to the Internet. Free glasses of California Champagne or else free shots of Kentucky Bourbon, dependent on how shit goes...if it goes all night and turns all Florida recount, then we're just gonna drink it all, cause that shit is gonna get ugly.

Death by Audio

The White House Negro

Somebody lit a fire under Mr. Lif's ass.

His first full-length in nearly three years is slated for release on Jan. 20. With the unraveling of the Bush regime (thank sweet Baby Jesus) and backwoods troglodyte Sarah Palin's coronation on the national stage, Lif has plenty to talk about.

Check out the new trax and tonight's Knitting Factory show. And for the love of Betty White's hymen, don't forget to vote.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: Peaches

"Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches

Five Minutes with Lukestar

Fritz: Your CMJ Music Marathon set at the Cake Shop last Saturday was pared down by trigger-happy stagehand fascists. I'm so sorry. Should we go kick some ass and take names?


Truls Heggero, Lukestar: No, don't be sorry. The biggest problem is the other bands in the concert. It's not our fault. We did everything up to schedule. It was the proper time and we did everything right. We were given 40 minutes and everything, but it was not our fault. They should've been stricter with the other bands.

Fritz: Did you get the full 40 minutes, at least?

Truls Heggero, Lukestar: No, we didn't. But that's okay. We traveled all the way from Norway and spent all of our money. But I think people liked it. I'm really really happy. It's New York; I'm from Norway. I've never really been outside of Europe before.

Fritz: What do you think of America?

Truls Heggero, Lukestar: (points to the milieu) It's like this. (laughs) America is good. The people here are really, really nice. I don't think that American people are that different from us.

Fritz: So what have you been up to this week in NYC?


Truls Heggero, Lukestar: I bought a guitar at the Music Center in Manhattan. I went to the park. I'm a wilderness type of guy. I really don't care that much about skyscrapers. They give me the creeps...so I haven't been into the real Manhattan. I've just seen it from a distance. I've done a lot of tourist stuff in Williamsburg and Brooklyn. I bought a lot of records.

Fritz: Do you have any American influences?


Truls Heggero, Lukestar: I liked Guns N' Roses and he liked Metallica and we just merged. Of course, we like Sonic Youth. And I like a lot of folky things as well. Tiny Vipers, I like a lot. I really liked the things she had before she recorded the album for Sub Pop. The earlier demos sound much better, I think. I like Marissa Nadler a lot. We actually went to see her yesterday in the Williamsburg Music Hall. She's a friend of ours. We booked a couple of concerts for her in Oslo. (pauses to look at a Hummer on the street) What the fuck is that? (laughs)

Fritz: It's says Housewives Next Door on the panel.

Truls Heggero, Lukestar: It's cocaine. They're selling cocaine...Our main influences are American bands and some English as well.

Fritz: So do you have plans for a full American tour in the works?


Truls Heggero, Lukestar: We had a meeting with Flameshovel who is putting out the record. They said that they want some tour in March. We've been talking about it before so it would be in time for SXSW. We're going to do an East Coast and West Coast tour sometime in March. We're recording new music in December. We are going to have a single out in spring and a new album in autumn, I think.

Five Minutes with The XYZ Affair

Fritz: How was your CMJ?


Alex Feder, The XYZ Affair: It was good, actually. It was our first time playing CMJ. We've spent four years applying and getting rejected.

Fritz: Yay you.


Alex Feder, The XYZ Affair: It's a funny thing. I was just talking to another band about this today. But actually, Sam, our drummer, he plays in another band. His band got officially rejected from CMJ. But they still played at three official CMJ shows...But we were sort of pessimistic going in because our shows were at such odd times.

Fritz: Have the Williamsburg and Brooklyn scenes affected your songwriting?

Alex Feder, The XYZ Affair: I wouldn't say so. I listen to a lot of pop music and that's sort of what I think of our sound being. There's a lot of bands I like. I really like The Hold Steady and Grizzly Bear. We actually played today with a band called Ghost Cube. They were kick ass. But no, I mean, we have a pretty wide array of stuff that we draw from. Our main thing is always super-strong melodies. We are way into the Beach Boys and Motown stuff. I really like Michael Jackson and Prince, anything catchy.


Fritz: Any post-CMJ projects in the works?

Alex Feder, The XYZ Affair: Right now, we're a little bit financially strapped. We're totally independent, so everything that we do totally comes out of pocket. We were originally doing this three EP project, where we would release three 3-song EPs. But it ended up just sort of eating away our cash and we had a lot of van troubles. So when we released the first EP, we noticed that the single and video were the only things being written about. After our tour to Georgia, we're going to record three songs again. But we are probably going to release them one at a time. We hope to release a full length in 2009.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: Josh Ritter

"Girl in the War" by Josh Ritter

The Punk Dump

New York magazine contributor Karen Schoemer's article on the 30th anniversary of Nancy Spungen's death is a must read.

Tales from the Expat in Harlem

Omgwtfwranchdressing.

Fifth-wave feminism experimental punk fourpiece The Coathangers totally gobsmacked my solar plexus with their angst-riddled guitar licks, funny haha song titles ("Nestle in My Boobies" and "Don't Touch My Shit") and pure vaginas-to-the-wall badassery. Their Oct. 22 set at Todd P. NYC's anti-CMJ Grand Plaza zajebisty made me realize something: someone needs to piss in my feminist drag queen character Xaxa Zhao's Cheerios.

Seriously, Sarah Palin needs to pop a squat and urinate in my alter-ego's Cheerios 'cuz we have a lot to be pissed off about. (In case you haven't noticed.)

••• The Coathangers: Tanya Harding •••

The Coathangers - "Tanya Harding" from ataricharm on Vimeo.

Check out my Metromix New York deets here.

Todd P NYC @ Continental Army Plaza

DIY power-booker Todd P has been busy crafting a lineup of kick ass free shows during the CMJ Music Marathon.

So, for a variety of reasons I have been mum so far about my CMJ-week plans... well here goes:

ALL THIS WEEK! Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, & Saturday afternoons in CONTINENTAL ARMY PLAZA - a 100% FREE & all ages miniature festival of great bands playing outside in the park, w/ no corporate sponsorships & no "vip" lists & no bullshit - just for the love of music!

Complete schedule here.

He Has Risen...Again in Pittsburgh

Neutral Milk Hotel - Engine - 10/18/2008 Brillobox, Pittsburgh PA from Engine on Vimeo.

The Messiah of indie fuzz-folk Jeff Magnum made yet another appearance, but this time in Pittsburgh (better known as Philly's pockmarked, saggy-breasted cousin.)

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: The Morning Benders

"Waiting for a War" by the Morning Benders

Weekend S-50

•••Amazing Baby @ Mercury Lounge, 10/19

•The Spinto Band @ Music Hall of Williamsburg, 10/18, $15

•Amy G. @ Spiegelworld, 10/18, $10

•Casiotone for the Painfully Alone @ Silent Barn, 10/18, $7

•Ra Ra Riot @ Sound Fix Records, 10/19, free

•Earth @ The Knitting Factory, 10/19, $12

Shit Hot Jams

A rundown of shit hot jams to shake yer groove thang to:

•mp3 TINY MASTERS OF TODAY LA-LA LAND
This munchkin garage-rock duo (Ivan is 14 and sister Ada is 12) gets McNasty by sampling nefarious speeches from McCain-Palin.

•mp3 KANYE WEST HEARTLESS
The Ego still hasn't found his copy of The Power of Now. But luckily for us, his latest mp3 in support of his new 'un 808s and Heartbreak is AutoTune crunk. (FYI: unless you schlep away in a blaxploitation porn studio, the above linkage is NSFW.)

Ginormous dream-pop props for Gangi

•••Gangi

I swear to the chloroflexi-infested body of Paul Nelson: Fanatic Promotion sends me a daily dose of yummy hipstertards. And their latest signee Gangi gets me hot for day-glo textiles:
Sez the MySpace:

Gangi uses dissonance, contrasting sun-shining optimism with a harsh reality by juxtaposing dream-like vocals, guitar playing and melodies (at times echoing fractures pop of the 60s and 70s) with darker toned samples. Some of the samples are appropriated from news sources and others are sounds or musical elements that often give the song a harsh edge.

Gangi will be playing the CMJ Music Marathon Manimal Vinyl show at the Cake Shop 10/21.

CMJ '08 schedule finally released

Noisebots rejoice: The CMJ Music Marathon schedule has been released.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: CSS

"Left Behind" by CSS

The audacity of guerilla artists

Guerilla art near SoHo.

The Apple Sisters @ The Hysterical Festival

Photo Credit: Keith Huang

Last Comic Standing's Michelle "Tittyshake" Buteau is just trying to make her way in the world. Like every other hinyacka-proportioned woman in New York City, "Tittyshake" Buteau is climbing mountains, spreading peace and bringing joy into our lives. One well-placed tittyshake at a time.

Tittyshake emcees the virginal voyage of the Hysterical Festival. The two all-beef patties and special sauce is drizzled below:

10-15-2008 The Apple Sisters, I Eat Pandas, Livia Scott, Michelle Buteau and Miss Saturn 7:30 p.m.- Comix [tix]
10-15-2008 Laughing Liberally featuring Daily Show creator and Craig Kilborn's punching bag, Lizz Winstead 8 p.m.- The Tank
10-15-2008 Stripped Stories featuring Bridget Everett 9:30 p.m.- Comix [tix]
10-17-2008 Hysterical Femmes featuring Hedda Lettuce 8:30 p.m.- Comix [tix]
10-18-2008 Jo Boobs, Bunny Love, Clams Casino, The World Famous *BOB* 10 p.m.- The Zipper Factory [tix]

Kurt Wagner @ Joe's Pub

Kurt Wagner said recently that his countrypolitan chamber-pop collective Lambchop is "a vehicle for my songs and myself as an artist. I’ve fought against that interpretation for 20 years, but now I’ve just given up trying to fight it anymore.”

Last night's solo performance at Joe's Pub was the tipping point for this tough titty realization. With his vintage Gibson L4 gee-tar, old-school laundry hanger and signature feed store cap, Wagner croaked through most of his latest, OH (ohio).

It was aces.

Setlist included:
Dylan’s “You’re a Big Girl Now”
“Slipped, Dissolved And Loosed”
"National Talk Like a Pirate Day"
"Sharing a Gibson with Martin Luther King"

10-20-2008 Ebensee, Austria - Kino
10-21-2008 Vienna, Austria - Gasometer (with Calexico)
10-22-2008 Graz, Austria - Orpheum
10-24-2008 Zürich, Switzerland - Rote Fabrik, Aktionshalle
10-25-2008 Paris, France - Café de la Danse
10-26-2008 Brussels, Belgium - Ancienne Belgique
10-27-2008 Frankfurt, Germany - Mousonturm
10-28-2008 Utrecht, Netherlands - Tivoli
10-29-2008 Brighton, England - St George's Church
10-30-2008 Reading, England - The Town Hall
10-31-2008 Glasgow, Scotland - ABC
11-1-2008 Dublin, Ireland - Tripod
11-3-2008 London, England - Union Chapel
11-4-2008 London, England - Union Chapel
11-5-2008 Dudelange, Luxembourg - Centre Culturel Opderschmelz
11-6-2008 Deventer, Netherlands - Burgerweeshuis
11-7-2008 Dortmund, Germany - Konzerthaus
11-8-2008 Luzern, Switzerland - Schüür
11-9-2008 Munich, Germany - Amerika-Haus
11-10-2008 Heidelberg, Germany - Halle 02
11-11-2008 Basel, Switzerland - Volkshaus
11-12-2008 Dresden, Germany - Alter Schlachthof
11-13-2008 Leipzig, Germany - Conne Island
11-14-2008 Warsaw, Poland - Fabryka Trzciny
11-15-2008 Berlin, Germany - Passionskirche
11-16-2008 Hamburg, Germany - Fabrik
11-18-2008 Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega
11-19-2008 Aalborg, Denmark - Studenterhuset
11-20-2008 Malmö, Sweden - KB
11-21-2008 Gothenborg, Sweden - Sticky Fingers
11-22-2008 Stockholm, Sweden - Berns
11-23-2008 Oslo, Norway - Chateau Neuf
11-24-2008 Barcelona, Spain - Palau de la Musica

Monday Morning Knee Trembler: Rage Against The Machine

"Bulls on Parade" by Rage Against The Machine

Jesus, Don't Cry

Arena-gospel hokum and overlooped Christian ska. Two genres that should never appear in the same sentence.

Let's get drunk and freaky fly

While I'm fairly positive that the "greatest party on Earth" involves hermaphrodite midgets snorting lines of coke out of Mickey Rourke's chesticles, Webster Hall sez otherwise.

The PR gods have spoken:

Webster Hall announces the addition of "The Studio @ Webster Hall" - a state-of-the-art recording studio built into the intimate 300 capacity room of this NYC Landmark venue. The Studio features an L'Acoustics sound system, stage lighting that will rival any large room in New York and the ability to record digital multi-track sound from the Grand Ballroom as well as The Studio. Select bands will be approached about recording their shows for the upcoming Live at Webster Hall Series which will be available on-line and at Best Buy.

Since the first show in 1886, Webster Hall has been an important mainstay in the live music community. Known for breaking new acts and hosting the industries top artists, this multi-level venue has always been the center of attention. The venue was designated an NYC Landmark in 2008 - nearly 125 years after the doors first opened.

As a visitor to The Studio you will have access to all four levels of Webster Hall on Thursday through Saturday nights at no additional cost. Resident DJs, late night comedy, weekly dance parties, record release shows and special unannounced acts are just a glimpse of what you will find at The Studio. You never know who you might see when the lineup says "special guests."

In addition to the hottest new acts, Webster Hall is also known as a club where established acts like to perform in an intimate setting. Some of these include Kings of Leon, Justice, Tiesto, Sasha, and Bloc Party.

"The Studio @ Webster Hall" will celebrate its' official opening on November 8th. However, you can get an early peek starting October 21st when the venue will open for the CMJ Preview week featuring performances by: Friendly Fires, Gang Gang Dance, Tigercity, Young Love, Jealous Girlfriends, Shout Out Out Out Out and many more! For this week only (October 21st - October 25th) entry is totally FREE for all shows!

The Studio will be open 7 nights a week from 7:30 pm - 4 am starting Tuesday October 21, 2008 and STAY TUNED for what's in store on November 8th - the official OPENING DAY!
For a full list of artists playing during CMJ, check out www.websterhall.com/thestudio

Shit Hot Jams

A rundown of shit hot jams to shake yer groove thang to:

mp3 ADAM MATTA SEMIOTIX [buy here]

mp3 ASTRONAUTALIS STORY OF MY LIFE [buy here]

mp3 LYKKE LI LITTLE BIT [buy here]

Monday Morning Knee Trembler

"Bounce That" by Girl Talk

No comment

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The blog post where I channel my inner Eugene Debs

Since Kings of Leon are suckling at capitalism's teats (hence the yankage of the Saturday Night Live clip below), I decided to feature Laura Carson from Hooterville, Tenn. (Hat tip: Newscoma)

It may not be "Sex of Fire," but at least Ms. Carson knows the meaning of DIY. (The kids today still know what that term means, right?)

Keep doing yer thang, Ms. Carson. And please, avoid American Idol at all costs.

For the love of God.
Fritz

Kings of Leon on 'SNL'

Kings Of Leon - SNL from ERINA on Vimeo.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler

"Lights Out" by Santogold

If you don't have sex after listening to this, ask your doctor about Cialis

Raphael Saadiq's baby-makin' music makes Boyz II Men look like erectile dysfunction R&B gimps. After Boyz II Men's doucheus maximus retooling of the Motown sound, Saadiq's new record The Way I See It updates the Holland–Dozier–Holland paradigm without bowing to the altar of commercialism.

Consider Boyz II Men's Motown: A Journey Through Hitsville USA (hyuk!) to be the Now That's What I Call Music of the Motown canon to Saadiq's Oxford American.

With crackling 45 vinyl loops, Saadiq's buttery baritone glides over funky-ass grooves:

YouTube–Raphael Saadiq "Big Easy"

Lawd have mercy!

When the Levee Breaks

In "Mighty Storm," Duhks lead Sarah Dugas' husky voice and fierce note bending glazes over slinky acoustic guitar and Appalachian clawhammer banjo. She dun' sang the tar offa Joe's Pub in New York. Their Sept. 9 performance 'bout brought a tear to my eye. In fairness to the naysayers, I was shithoused from raspberry vodka and coke.

The Duhks' neo-folk primer Fast Paced World was released last month on Sugar Hill Records.

mp3 THE DUKHS MIGHTY STORM [buy here]

Monday Morning Knee Trembler

"Brooklyn" by Project Jenny, Project Jan

New Music: M.I.A. (yet again)

I'm beginning to think that M.I.A. (nee: Mathangi Maya Arulpragasam) is angling to become the Michael Jordan of indie ganna dancehall. With multiple announcements of her looming AARP membership, M.I.A. hasn't exactly been resting on her laurels.

Her ubiquitous single "Paper Planes" leeches up the top-40 chart (and you thought pop radio was only turds n' sugar?) after getting the Apatow treatment in Pineapple Express.

Heck, chica is pullin' herself up by the bootstraps. Somebody page George Will and the National Review editorial board.

A scorecard:
"Tic Toc" featuring Rye Rye
New M.I.A.: "Hit That"
New M.I.A.: Raindance
New Santogold (Feat. M.I.A. and Gorilla Zoe)–"Get It Up"

Oh. You're welcome.

Words to live by

Via Chris Wage

New Music: Justice

Word comes via Pitchfork of Christian discopunk duo Justice's wet guitar lick ostinatos in the mini-operatic "Planisphere." Download here.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler

"Abbesses" by Birdy Nam Nam

Balls of Fury

This one goes out to the Republican National Convention.

Monday Morning Knee Trembler

"Brown Boxes" by The Spinto Band

I should've seen this one coming

Even though I'm a rabid sufferer of Clinton Derangement Syndrome, I've recently unearthed my bepenised feminist sympathy pills. And for Sen. Clinton, Sarah Palin's nomination is like a Christmas Day turd. Yes, Sen. Clinton is still a race-baiting corpo-fascist, but I know a Christmas Day turd when I see it.

This one stinks to hog heaven.

I thought Republicans were afraid of The Vagina. They spend so much of their time cowering in fear, trying to own it or get back inside it. But White Male Penis Power™ generally dictates that imperialism and the clutches of victory outweigh the inevitable counter-effects.

This presidential race mumbo jumbo is like pulling off the Band-Aid motherlode. Somebody make it quick and painless.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

“Gays: finally bringing developing African countries into globalization's bosoms.”

Dear Mark A. Rose

Dear Mark A. Rose,





Feel free to fuck yourself.

Best,
T.V. Fritz

This blog is officially gay

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

Sheesh. My BMI Lehman Engel Musical Theater workshop audition is next week. Cut me some slack, honeychild.

My warped mind is addled with imperfect rhymes and misaccented words.

Scenes from Edinburgh

Beatboxer Adam Matta and actress Lizzie Wort

Scenes from Edinburgh (Part Deux)

Breeder experimental circus composer Sxip Shirey.

This picture proves John McCain's evolution in douchebaggery

Can anyone else pinpoint the exact moment when John McCain became a supreme douche? Ugh. He's morphed into a Republican android.

Us Weekly dishes on Madonna's limp dicked Hitler-McCain analogy. (Really, Madge? How nouveau riche.) Meanwhile, Idolator belches the factoids on McCain's celebrity endorsements. If his Daddy Yankee shout-out doesn't deliver the 12-year-old Mexican girl vote, I don't know what will, dear reader.

"It's not surprising that Barack Obama and his fellow celebrities stick together," McCain spokesperson Taylor Griffin sniffed.

Apparently, Griffin's been reading Bill Hobbs' wah-bulance playbook again. Cry me a frickin' river.

The devil went down to Edinburgh

Off to Edinburgh. See you honkies on the flip side!

I can't stop listening to this song

Cyborg r&b singer Janelle Monáe was originally schooled in Sondheim at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York. Luckily for us, her Broadway dreams fell into the gutter.

Her futuristic rock opus, Metropolis will be released by P. Diddy's (or whatever the hell he calls himself these days) Bad Boy Entertainment. But don't let Douche McDouche's association sway you. The concept album is a homage to silent film director Fritz Lang as told by Monáe's alter-ego, Cindi Mayweather.

Standing on the edge of control

Via Feministing

The blog post where I adopt my Groundskeeper Willie burr

Aye sir, Scots. Have ye gone waxy in your beester? Nobleman Greg Walloch wilt be appearin' in "And The Devil May Drag You Under" in the month of August at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Good for what ails ya!

The Manhattan Project Presents: This Day in Douchebaggery

This is my childhood

I remember...

Dressing up as "The Boy with a Sandal Taped to his Ass" for Halloween much to my family's general befuddlement.

I remember...
My childhood TV show, Such a Good 'Ol Cow.

I remember...
Shaking my ass suggestively to Uncle James and Aunt Katherine at Thanksgiving dinner much to their general befuddlement.

I remember...
my mentally retarded childhood friend, LuAnn. (Ditt-her, ditt-her)

I remember...
looking pensively into a print-screen poster while dancing to country-rock band, Sawyer Brown.

I remember...
neon glow-in-the-dark halos at dustbowl rodeos.

I remember...
taking a poo on the front lawn while my mother showed the Orkin Man the latest bug infestation.

I can't stop listening to this song

The blogzines jizzed all over themselves in late-2007 with the release of Black Kids' four-song demo, Wizard of Ahhhs. With Morrissey-style vocals and spazzy neo-retro synths, "I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You" is a slice of indie-pop opium. With their recent Columbia Records debut and Letterman appearance, expect the hipstertards to fall back on the 'ol "slutty capitalist sell-outs" mememe.

Ticky-tacky

I'm not sure whether I'm down with the new season of Weeds. Nerve.com's Remote Island seconds that emotion.

In the brilliantly constructed Season 3 capper–spoiler beef patties with narc sauce ahead!–yuppie drug lord Nancy Botwin doused her McMansion in gasoline and struck a match. In that single action, the finely tuned pasquinade of suburbia went up in flames. Yes Virginia, figuratively and literally.

At the moment, Botwin's slumming in the purgatory moors. She's on the run from the feds and herding weed-packed mules through a Mexican border-hopper version of the Underground Railroad. The whole shebang reminds me of Northern Exposure, but with a beach!

In other plot development points, Botwin's stacked stud muffin son (Hunter Parrish) has been receiving plenty of moments-in-mantittery lately:



This doesn't make up for the general suckage.

When Doves Cry

Dubbed the Paris Hilton of New York performance art, the nebbish post-modernist Neal Medlyn will be performing his Prince faux-concert "Unpronounceable Symbol" through July 20 at Performance Space 122.

In a strange way, Medlyn's lycra-bottomed interpretations have been mired in urbane fetishism among the gay elites. Instead of lapping the edges of a Dianabol-pumped beefcake, the gay elites swoon over Medlyn's yoga-toned arms.

It's called progress, I suppose.

In this clip, Medlyn re-enacts Beyonce Knowles' recent Staples Center concert.

Conversations with my boyfriend

Me: Eh. Look at the blurry taxicab picture. I look hideous with my blotchy skin and bloodshot pupils. But then again, I was slightly stoned when you took that picture.

Boyfriend: You're stoned now.

Conversations with my mother

Mom: "You're making an Indian dinner with rubberdick spices?"

Me: "Aromatic spices."

I can't stop listening to this song

Santogold's "L.E.S. Artistes" is like The Hipster Handbook, but with throbbing handclaps and dripping sarcasm. Sometimes, I listen to this song without a trace of irony.

"It's true. New York City donkey-punches Nylon Taffeta Slim Fit-wearing nabes from suburbia," I sob.

If only Santi White asked me to appear in her hipper-than-thou vid. I would've danced my capri-fitted ass off.

Conversations with my boyfriend

Me: Did you have high school superlatives?

Boyfriend: We didn't have those.

Me: I won two high school superlatives.

Boyfriend: Uh—

Me: Most Unpredictable and Most Sophisticated. The last year of high school, I showed up to school everyday stoned off of my ass. I think it really took people by surprise.

Boyfriend: Nothing says Most Sophisticated like being stoned off your ass.

Me: I'm pretty sure that 'sophisticated' was a code word for 'gayest.'

That's not a harpo bulb horn in my pocket...

In shameless self-promotion whore news, check out my latest sex advice column "Dating Advice from Clowns" over at Nerve:

My first girlfriend landed a sweet job in Los Angeles at a publicity firm. She said that she wanted to try the long-distance-relationship thing, but I'm not so sure. Can long-distance relationships work?
If you and your Hollywood-bigshot-ladyfriend have open minds, polyamory is an option for geographically challenged couples. For instance, I tour constantly. Six months away from a New York lover would mean a diabolically suppressed sexuality if I didn't find other lovers to fill the gaps. Everybody's got to be on board (she'll find some serious LA action, too), but it is possible. You've seen how many clowns we can fit in a little car — you should see how many fit in a twin bed.

Thoughts While Stoned

Has anyone else noticed that conservative blog, Six Meat Buffet, sounds suspiciously like a gay porn site on first glance?

Objectification Nation

After schlepping as an intern at Nerve.com, I have rectified the pesky bepenised feminist conundrum of "Objectification Without Representation." ™

Natalia Antonova of Feministe sums it up thusly:

I do think that because of power differentials, objectification of women more readily becomes a springboard for abuse, and worse. But I do think that there is a genuinely OK way of expressing one’s appreciation for someone else’s physical body and/or persona (and hell, a beautiful mind can be just as sexy).

The Manhattan Project Presents: This Day in Douchebaggery

This douchey voice message from disgraced doctor James Sears has been spreading throughout the Interwebs like a bad case of syphilis.

Jezebel brandishes the infection.

Mark Zuckerberg is an Orwellian communist

NOT Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook is an evil force of nature; it must be stopped. We've already become a generation of mush-brained zombies gnawing on each other's collective id.

In a few years, there will be HTML-coded orgies, a mass clusterfuck of mouse-dicked Trekkies waxing philosophically on nephew Richie's newfound liberalism and Baby Chester's tit-stained baby photos.

Every nook and cranny will be consumed by Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg. So mark my words: America as we know it will cease to exist.

On GMail today, I received a chatbot message from 'Facebook.'

'Your friend so-and-so is feeling sleepy today," the Facebook chatbot said of my friend's supposed status. I don't give two clucks from a rooster's behind, Mr. Zuckerberg.

It's times like these where I thank God that I'm a libertarian socialist.

Baby Dee: Big Titty Bee Girl From Dino Town

In honor of Gay Pride, feast your eyes on Baby Dee's "Big Titty Bee Girl from Dino Town."

NPR: Unclassifiable Musician Baby Dee is now 'Safe'

The Poetry of an Urban Grocery List

• Four Indian frozen dinners


• tuna fish


• Morningstar Farm sausages


• Soy chocolate milk


• Gouda cheese


• Rye bread


• Rosemary Triscuits


• Tub of raspberries


• Environmentally safe deodorant


• Febreeze


• Ground turkey meat


• Lettuce, tomatoes and onions


• Taco shells and mix


• Raspberry chocolate cookies

Fucking urbane!

Tony Awards live-blogging...sorta

I am eating Acapulco Caliente (mmm, sweet garlic butter shrimp) and watching the Tonys with my boyfriend. I still haven't seen 'Passing Strange' yet. The BF saw 'Passing Strange' Off-Broadway at Joe's Pub when it only cost $30.


8:51pm: Julie Chen's at the Tony Awards? Jesus, they either have low star wattage or I smell network synergy.

8:54pm: The dude from Fountains of Wayne co-wrote the score to 'Cry-Baby?' That's some crazy shit.

8:58pm: I fucking hate the dude from 'In the Heights.' His acceptance speech consisted of half-rapping his thank-yous. What a fucking douche.

8:59pm: Isn't 'In the Heights' just a slightly updated version of 'West Side Story' with rapping? Talk amongst yourselves.

9:01pm: A shirtless singing interlude from 'South Pacific?' Gee, someone likes to force male objectification down the gay viewing audience's collective throat.

9:04pm: 'South Pacific' is why most heterosexual dudes hate Broadway. Give me some 'Passing Strange,' 'Avenue Q' and Kiki and Herb.

9:07pm: The reason why the Tony Awards are full of shit: They rewarded 'Legally Blonde: The Musical' last year. Their opening number, "Oh My God, You Guys!", makes you wanna go ahead with your long-buried suicide attempt.

9:10pm: My boyfriend fell asleep. If gays are falling asleep, what hope is there for everyone else?

Dirty Jeans and Thunderchief

Greg Walloch in Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre's "Dirty Jeans and Thunderchief."

I'll tell you what's up with the vicious bashing of 'Sex and the City'

Let me start off by saying that I don't have a vagina.

Therefore, my feminist critique of Sex and the City should be taken with a grain of salt. Okay, more like mounds of salt.

An entire bottle of Morton Salt, in fact.

But Newsweek writer Ramin Setoodeh's likening of Sex and the City to a feminist screed borders on sheer idiocy.

Yes, men are not likely to watch Sex and the City at the local cineplex. And the movie itself presents a paradox for feminists. It's empowering to see single women throwing off the labels of slutdom and embracing their sexuality.

But at the same time, Sex and the City the Brand languishes in crass commercialism and ultimately, Carrie & Co. are not fulfilled without a penis inside them or a ring around their bony fingers.

And then, hordes of bumpkin women absorb this tripe of metropolitan singledom and think to themselves, "oh, my life in Boonsdaggle, Tenn. must be a pretty shitty existence. I can't afford designer clothes and clunky high heels. I probably should go drown my sorrows in a Perfect Margarita at Applebee's."

Jesus, Sex and the City pisses me off.

10 Hour Party People

The unwashed masses are roasting like sunbaked clams in Manchester, Tenn. for Bonnaroo this weekend. And I hate every last one of you.


You get to hear the snappy dancehall rhythms of M.I.A and the post-Graceland conga-rock of Vampire Weekend; the manic beatboxing of Brooklynite Reggie Watts and the souped-up speed metal of Metallica.

My Bonnaroo experience has faded into a distant memory of midnight drug-fueled nipplegazing and shifty-eyed penguins. After blankly ingesting a doobie laced with embalming fluid at Bonnaroo 2006, I blindly stumbled into a VIP Backstage area, where I proceeded to ruffle through unguarded watercoolers. After knocking over a couple of Dansini tubs, I lurched down a vacant camp lot (everyone was grooving to Radiohead at the time) before slumping over in a bed of weeds. At this point, I tripped balls to distorted Tim Burton-ifed versions of the Happy Feet cast.

I lasted ten hours.

There really isn't a point to this story.

Dream Bitches

Dream Bitches is by far the best band name I've heard this year. Their music, a concoction of folk-rock harmonies and riot-grrl moxie reminds me of the 5.6.7.8s after browsing through a discarded copy of Sing Out! Magazine.

Check this shiz.

Conversations in Bed

Me:I had a really terrible dream last night.

Boyfriend: Oh, I'm sorry.

Me: I cheated on you with Judge Reinhold. I was devastated.

Boyfriend: Didn't you have that dream before? When we were in Memphis?

Me: No? Did I? You're bullshitting me.

Boyfriend: No, you did.

Me: I went to an underground sex club located in a strip mall. Judge Reinhold was there. He was like a sex god. Women and men swarmed around him, wanting to touch his penis. I remember that Judge Reinhold had a really big penis. It was massive.

Boyfriend: That's interesting.

Me: But yeah, I was totally devastated.

The Second Class of the UES

Clinton supporter Harriet Christian is "a second-class citizen" with her bedazzled neck and freshly pressed Manolo Blahniks.

I understand the unchecked sexism surrounding Hillary Clinton's campaign like an angry buzzard. And yes, women are "second class citizens" in many vantages of our society.

But Ms. Tubman, your remarks strike me as a tad dishonest. If you really want to see a "second-class American," please do make the trek past 110th St. sometime.

Tim Fite: SXSW

Why? Because I automatically like any song that features the phrase: "Wipe that mustard off your titty."

June 5 Boston - Great Scott
June 6 Montreal - Studio JPR
June 7 Toronto - Horseshoe Tavern
June 9 Detroit - Magic Stick
June 10 Chicago - Lake Shore Theatre

Larry King Busts a Move

Interview with a 'Business Week' Vampire

Former Business Week writer Sarah Lacy coughs up an interview phelgmball in this public forum SXSW chitchat with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.

I've had bad interviews. But at least, I didn't publicly humiliate myself. Poor woman.

That being said, here are some tasty snippets from Media Bistro Fishbowl NY's transcript:

2:21: Lacy accuses Z. of having 'hurt look on your face like, 'Waah, I was talking.'' New Yorkers behind us: 'This is mad awkward.' She's talking to an intelligent billionaire like he's a five-year-old. Wake up Lacy, we're in Web 2.0 and Z's since cleared kindergarten.

...

2:43: 'Speaking of management changes, you've had somewhat of a revolving door.' Zing! Clearly Lacy's reading mediabistro.com. Might we recommend some of our fine service articles on interviewing?

2:44: Lacy: 'I think it's good that you fire people when you they don't mesh. People should do it more often.' Great, Sarah. You're fired.

2:53: L. reveals that Z. has bound books on site and where it's going, dating back through four years. He writes them in longhand. Lacy thinks this is sooo significant, persists in making it about her declarative baloney. We know more about her than we will ever in 18 lifetimes care to know, and too little about the real sensation in our midst.

2:54: Lacy accuses Z. of giving her another 'Leslie Stahl moment' to which he sweetly shoots back: 'You've got to ask questions.' Audience goes nuts, with cheering and applause, bonding over their mutual hatred of her. This is as feel-good a moment as they come.

2:56: Z: The part of the story you left out is that I destroyed them..
L. 'You burned them. How dramatic is that?'
Z: 'I did not. You made that up.' Audience goes crazy. If Lacy gets out of here without having anything thrown at her, we'll drink 11 more coffees within the hour. Wait, that sounds good.

2:57: In response to booing, Lacy whines to crowd: 'You try doing what I do for a living.' Every day, every way. lady.

Updated to add: A few techies have lambasted the backlash of Lacey as charges of sexism.
MyBlogLog founder Eric Marcoullier says, "I think some of the there's some degree of sexism. Because she's a chick, her ingratiating nature is taken as ass-kissing. If it were some guy at Forbes asking the same questions in the same manner, we just would have thought he was drawing Mark out."
Lacy twitters, "Seriously screw all you guys. I did my best to ask a range of things."

Bottom of the Well

My teeth are falling out again. According to the FreakyDreams.com, this translates into a "loss of honor, fear of failure and feeling out of control." Spot-on. They're like the frickin' SparkNotes of Subtext Becoming Rapidly Text.

I'm standing in my family's foyer. It's Christmasy all around. Sweet Baby Jesus is lying in the manger. My cousin is a six-figure MD, sitting out on the porch with his recently Botoxed missus. My other cousin is a Baptist preacher.

And I'm standing in my family's foyer with my pants bunched around my ankles, smoking a pathetic looking spliff through cud chewers.

But at least, I seem happy.

Crossposted: Nocturnal Admissions

Isn't It De-Lovely

Torchwood's John Barrowman talks to Now Magazine about accidentally pooping his pants onstage.

Lucky bastard.

The Hills Are Alive with the sound of suck

Heidi Montag told Us that she cried herself to sleep after YouTubers suffered emotional spasms and mild dementia while watching her grade-Z ripoff of Madonna's "Cherish" video.

My favorite part of the song? The high-hattin' cheapcore Casio keyboard with the Three 6 Mafia elevator-crunk riffs. Ms. Montag ripped me a new asshole.

But don't be too hard, guys. After all, she's "just a girl from Kansas...following her dreams."

An Open Letter to Maureen Dowd

Dear Maureen,

Have I told you lately that I love you?

To wit:

Instead of carving out a separate identity for herself, Hillary has become more entwined with Bill. She is running bolstered by his record and his muscle. She touts her experience as first lady, even though her judgment during those years on issue after issue was poor. She says she’s learned from her mistakes, but that’s not a compelling pitch.

As a senator, she was not a leading voice on important issues, and her Iraq vote was about her political viability.

She told New York magazine’s John Heilemann that before Iowa taught her that she had to show her soft side, “I really believed I had to prove in this race from the very beginning that a woman could be president and a woman could be commander in chief. I thought that was my primary mission.”

If Hillary fails, it will be her failure, not ours.

Burn!

A Flawed Feminist Test

Deconstructing Grammy

The Grammys at 50 are showing their age," crows the latest headline from Newsday. Have the Grammys ever showed anything but? It takes years for them to even deign career artists buzzworthy enough for the Best New Artist trophy. (The most glaring example? Alt country siren Shelby Lynne taking home Best New Artist prize 13 years into her career.)

Yes, the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is about as hip as sitting through an Al Gore earth documentary on Current.

For a better gauge of 2007, bless sweet Robert Christgau's still-kicking "Pazz and Jop" poll. The Pazz and Jop poll is decided by a slag of chain-smoking copy monkeys at alternative weeklies and magazine biggies across the states. Published by Christgau's former employer, The Village Voice, the Pazz and Jop poll is the music journo's version of the anti-Grammys.

Prize perennials such as The National's Boxer and Panda Bear's Person Pitch will never be totally at home in the National Recording Academy of Arts and Sciences' annual commercial unit penis measuring contest. Hmpfh.

But 2007 was the year of indie crossover, and the Grammys reflect this nugget. Sort of.

Leslie Feist's Technicolor iPod commercial with her song, "1234" was damn near inescapable. It was an indie-rock mini-musical filled with cascading horns and colorful getups too saucy for The Polyphonic Spree. In fact, right now, a waifish hipster in Williamsburg is blasting Feist's wispy voice through his earbuds on his way to American Apparel. I kid you not.

But Feist represents a middle ground for Grammy voters. Nominated for four Grammys for her modern classic, The Reminder, Feist has almost wriggled the cusp of the soccer mom votes. She's still hip, but she hasn't reached complete Starbucks overkill yet. But give her time. (She won the Shortlist Music Prize this week, an award for artistic achievement by artists who sell less than 500,000 copies.)

The biggest snub? Radiohead's screw you to Hillary Rosen, In Rainbows, was decidedly left off Grammys' radar. That's a shame. Not only did "In Rainbows" stir the dander of industry gatekeepers, it represented Radiohead's most solid work in more than a decade.

While OK! Magazine fixture Amy Winehouse racked up nods for her mind-numbingly good R&B revival, Back to Black, her sterling producer Mark Ronson was only represented in the Producer category. But Ronson would rather have a BRIT award on his trophy rack. "I think the Grammys are a bit like the international industry standard for achievement," Ronson told reporters. "But there is something about the BRITs. There is more of a camaraderie - it's like people are saying this artist is one of our own. It is very special."

Ronson's genre-spanning Version was its own tour-de-force, and it's unlikely that he will perform a medley a la The MTV Video Music Awards. But as the Grammys cross over into Matlock-watching territory and earlybird specials in Ormond Beach, will the award show be able to give the music fans what they want? It's a question on everyone's mind.

"People don't need to see more Beyoncé. Everyone is done with Beyoncé. Sirius Radio's Rich McLaughlin told Newsday. "Been there, done that. People want to see someone newer."

Random Thoughts

Dear Kimya Dawson,

I'd never thought I would say this. However, if I have to hear your damned cutesy-wutesy "Juno" song one more time, I might just shoot myself in the face.

Overheard in New York

Man on cell: Don't go near the elevator. There's a pile of doodoo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there's still some there. Be careful. I don't want you to smear it.

New and noted

The Magnetic Fields
Distortion

The Skinny: Indie-pop misanthrope Stephin Merritt of The Magnetic Fields, deemed by Bob Gould as the "most depressing man in rock," studies his The Jesus and Mary Chain fixation with heaps of prickly distortion, er, as advertised in the album title.

Why You Should Buy It: Merritt exists in his own vacuum-sealed idiom. He told The New York Times, "I cannot name a record by anyone in 2007." As for his rapturous scrutiny of influential Scottish noise-pop band The Jesus and Mary Chain's 1985 debut album Psychocandy? "It's the last album that sounded shockingly new, to me anyway."

Song You'll Love or Hate: The gnashingly frontal lobe assault of album opener, "Three-Way," which basically consists of Mr. Merritt shouting the title over rippling riffs.

Kate Nash
Made of Bricks

The Skinny: Discovered on MySpace by Lily Allen, 20-something Englander Kate Nash makes an album about the struggles of upper-class strife. She sounds like a brainier version of The Spice Girls, for better or worse.

Why You Should Buy It: Nash's cockney Brit accent, flowing pen verses and sly pop cultural shout-outs - hell, she manages to namecheck CSI at one point - are 10 times better than the CHR-pop Hannah Montana dreck infiltrating American top-40. Plus, let's just say that it might be awhile before Amy Winehouse releases another Back to Black.

Song You'll Love or Hate: Produced by Bloc Party producer Paul Epworth, Nash finds lyrical inspiration in the mundane. Her song about mouthwash, titled "Mouthwash," of course, is an exercise in lyrical frugality. The hummable melody will stay in your head for days.

Bill Brantley claws the shit out of 'The Little Mermaid'

Ben Brantley's my idol. After much consternation, it goes something like Maureen Dowd, Jesus, Nellie McKay and Bill Brantley.

His recent review of Disney on Broadway's adaptation of The Little Mermaid was chockful of candy-coated zingers.

Best line? "The whole enterprise is soaked in that sparkly garishness that only a very young child — or possibly a tackiness-worshiping drag queen — might find pretty...In like manner, most of the performers approach their characters with the forced jocularity of actors marking time in a theme park until a better job comes along."

Zing!

Overheard in New York: The Watersports Edition

Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!

--Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by TVontheFritz (overheardinnewyork.com)

Radiohead: In Mist